Friday, 6 July 2012

Simon's Cat - a Dedication

I love the Simon’s Cat cartoons on You Tube – they are charming. But living with cats has its moments and so I dedicate this blog not only to Simon but to all cat owners in the knowledge that they will understand where I am coming from. Two nights, one ongoing saga told by three different souls.

The first night
Bella the Collie says: So here I am, very much top dog and asleep in my rightful place. Now I am a very tolerant pack commander but I cannot understand why the second in command insists on being infested with these stupid felines. Honestly, the fuss they cause at all hours when I am trying to get my much deserved sleep. Last night was a prime example. I dealt with it by giving the second in command a dirty look and told her: your problem – you sort out. I then went back to sleep.

Me, the poor human says: Bloody cat won’t let me sleep! I go to bed circa midnight knowing that Leo is out on the prowl but the kitchen window is open and he can use the dog door in the passage. At some ungodly hour I am woken up by this hysterical meouwling outside my window. On goes the light. Bella raises an eyebrow at me and goes back to sleep. I go to the window and explain nicely to Leo that because of the external scaffolding (that he is standing on), I cannot open the window wide enough to let him in. Cat carries on yowling pitifully. I go downstairs, open my study window and call him. He doesn’t appear but the yowling gets louder. Go back upstairs, cannot see Leo. Go back downstairs – he still hasn’t appeared. Room is cold and so am I. Go back upstairs. Leo is pawing at my bedroom window. I explain again, not so politely this time, that I cannot open the bloody window wide enough. Go downstairs you feline idiot, I bellow. Cat is now turning purple, so am I. Go downstairs and close the study window. Go back upstairs. Open window in spare bedroom. Cat appears. Looks at me and then says no, I don’t think so. He dithers half in and half out the open window. I am now seriously cold. I lean over and assist Leo in taking the “in” decision by putting my hand firmly under his butt and catapulting him into the room. Takes him a couple of seconds to regain his composure and then he trots downstairs. I go back to bed. Five minutes later, Leo is in my room meouwling at me. On goes light, I get another black look from the dog. Leo and I go downstairs and I open the kitchen for him. He tucks into a meal. I go back to bed - finally.

Leo says: I just cannot understand the fuss. My human possession can be so stupid sometimes, she just doesn’t get it. Here I am protecting the property all night and what do I find? I need to come in for a meal and I am bloody locked out – how rude. This is just not good enough so I call my possession and ask politely to be let in. She just stands there in the middle of the room, barefoot and scantily clad, waving her arms at me and babbling incoherently. I ask her again – please open the window. It’s that simple – just open the window. Next thing she disappears. I hear her clattering downstairs which is of course none of my business and completely off piste. I wait patiently for her to return. Which she does but still doesn’t open the bloody window. Now I am getting a little fed up with this game of charades – I am cold and hungry. She is shouting so I start shouting over her, in the hope that she will finally understand what I need. By gum! Would you believe it, she disappears again. More clattering downstairs. This is getting silly and I am now very annoyed. Suddenly she gets the message but she opens a window about 10 metres away. Oh well, better than nothing. I go and check it out and woa! Never been through this window before. Not sure about this – could be dangerous. Better have a think about what to do. Then suddenly, don’t know how, but I am in – some rocket behind me appeared mysteriously and projected me into the room – knew that window was suspicious. Oh ok, all safe so now I can get breakfast. What the hell! Someone has closed my kitchen door. Only one thing for it – need to inform possession. Upstairs again. Why did she go back to bed in any case? This is not the time to sleep. Sleep time is when the sun is up not when its dark. Not sure she will ever get this right. Thank goodness that stupid dog stayed out of the performance this time.

Second night
Bella the Collie says: Ruddy feline is at it again. Oh well back to sleep.

My version: Cat won’t let me sleep! If I don’t get a decent night’s sleep soon I am going state side.

Leo’s version: Ha! Have spent whole day sleeping. Now its time to show my human possession how much I appreciate her. So first offering is a shrew at 1am– a bit small but my possession thinks its elephant nose is cute. Well, what a bloody performance - on goes the light in the sleep room, possession, again scantily dressed, running around the room after the shrew. I had to intervene, things were getting ugly. I grab shrew and what happens? - possession chucks me and the shrew out the sleep room and slams the door. Clearly she wanted something else. I leave the shrew to scuttle under the sofa and out I go – I really need to please my possession. 2am - now I have something that I know will please her but what the hell - the door is still slammed shut. I have to get in, so I go to huge effort with the rat in my mouth. I climb up the honeysuckle creeper and squeeze in through the top window. Present my possession with this amazing gift. Well what a bloody performance: on goes the light again in sleep room, possession says YUK (or a word that sounded like YUK) and grabs rat with hand covered in a tissue. Then what thanks do I get, she dumps my toy in the dustbin in the water room adjacent to the sleep room and slams the door between the two. So now I cannot get to my rat – possession might be through with rat but I was just getting warmed up, they such fun – they make this cute squeaky noise when you toss them in the air and they last longer than the shrews. Only solution – out I go again. Get lucky at 3am, bring possession a really cool mouse. Deliver it to her bed side but I am puzzled. Why has my possession got her head under the pillow and what is that sobbing noise?

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